If you're hoarding toilet paper, here's some things worth learning about personal (butt) hygiene

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If you're hoarding toilet paper, here's some things worth learning about personal (butt) hygiene

Buckle up, because this one is about butts.


People are dealing with it the best way they can, which often includes self-quarantine. This means essential goods have been flying off store shelves in record numbers. 

That includes toilet paper. 

If there's one symbol of this Coronavirus thing, aside from people in those mouth masks, it's mountains of stockpiled toilet paper. It's become such a thing that there are eBay sellers in Australia selling rolls of toilet paper at ludicrous prices.

So, before you start piling for your supplies for your post-apocalyptic bunker, consider this: 

What if there is a better way to wipe your ass. 

Let's talk about bidets.

If you're like me, you have heard the following things:

Europeans do it. Americans just don't like touching their assholes.

Water bidets make you cleaner than smearing feces up and down your buttcrack.

Toilet paper use is linked to getting UTIs and hemorrhoids. 

It takes something like 140 gallons of water to make a pack of toilet paper. Bidets use significantly less water and are better for the environment. 

Well, guess what, they're all true. Might be worth considering getting a bidet.

Let's see what Buzzfeed has to say about this:


It is Thursday, March 12th at 2:41PM. I'm sitting in an apartment in Washington Heights. I have tickets to see The Hunt later on tonight. To pay for these tickets, I am writing about bootie hygiene. This is a thing I am being paid to write.

Anyway, the reviews from the video seem good. "Definitely powerful. And cold." 

"Nothing like having a spray of ice cold water up my butt." 

Sign me up, he lied. What does Indi Samarajiva at Medium say:

Like the metric system, the rest of the world has mostly figured this out.
In Japan, sophisticated toilets wash and dry their butts while playing music. In Muslim societies, for centuries they have used a lota, a pot of water, and now use modern amenities. In almost every Sri Lankan household there is a simple hand-bidet, what I call a bum gun. Then of course the French invented bidets, a word which actually means small horse, and people have ridden that through Southern Europe and across the world. At the minimum, most people in the world will at least have a plastic vessel to wash their butts.
Personally, I love the hand bidet. It’s fun and effective, and quite common where I live. What I’ve discovered, however, is that are different tactical applications of the bum gun. I spray and then wipe/dry with toilet paper. Some people spray and then wash their butts with their hand and soap. The strategy, however, remains the same. Use water. To wash your butt.

If you're not going to install a bidet, at least clean your bootie hole properly in the shower. As the intellectuals on Reddit reveal, this can be a fraught conversation.

Well, there you go. Also, wash your damn hands.


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